The Panzerfaust Theory
The following recordings have been translated by Allies Translators... Near the end of 1944, the Nazis were getting worried about losing the war. So they decided to make a chemical stimulation gas from other stimulators, as a last resort. The only way to test their experiment was to use Russian prisoners of war. The recordings and experiments have been tested by Doctor Abel Weber, Doctor Cosmas Kaiser, Doctor Felix Hahn, and General Fredrick Mueller Dr. Weber: *Static* Day 1 of the Panzerfaust project, the staff and I hope this stimulation gas will utmost please the Fuhrer! For precautions, the windows are darkened on the prisoner side so they can't see us, and there are microphones placed in the corners of the room. There are also speakers on the ceiling so the prisoners can hear us. So, let's begin. Dr. Hahn, put the TR-5084 virus gas in the chamber. Dr. Felix: Yes sir. General Mueller: So, Doctor. What will this virus gas do? If it does not satisfy expections and it ends up being a waste of research money... you and I both know neither I or the Fuhrer will tolerate such waste. Dr. Weber: (Nervous) Don't worry, Mueller, it will satisfy. Alright, the gas is in, so let's take a seat now, shall we? *Sounds of people sitting down* Dr. Kaiser: *Chuckle* Let us observe, shall we? DAY 2 Dr.Hahn: *Static-Long beeping noise* Yes, yes, very interesting. The subjects seem to be pacing around in circles? Their eyes are closed? Hmmmm Dr. Weber, are they sleep walking? Dr. Weber: Hmmmm. Possible side effect. Dr. Kaiser, put more gas in. *Dr. Kaiser gets up, grabs gas valve and turns it on.* Dr. Hahn: Odd, at instant they seem to have *Static* Should we s *Static* Wait, no! we must keep on with the tests! Dr. Weber: I have a theory. If the virus can make them restless and act more paranoid than normal, then let's see how they "work" without food for a while. Hmm? General Mueller: Yes! This shall get interesting. DAY 3 Dr. Kaiser: *Static* *Static* N-NO! S-S-STOP HIM RIGHT NOW! *Can hear door opening, screaming, and 2 gunshots, then door closing and locking.* General Mueller: I gave subject C a shot to the leg, more specifically the thigh. I hope this can help show how, IF this virus were to be used in battle, to show to see how it would work with someone injured. Dr. Weber: How is subject B? General Mueller: *Clears throat* uh, yes, uhm, he doesn't appear to have a forehead or left ear.... Dr. Hahn: This all happened as we woke up from slumber? General Mueller: Yes. And I must admit, I'm going to have a hard time sleeping in the future.*rubs face in hands* Dr. Weber: Won't we all? Dr. Weber: Subject A, who is uninjured, is sitting in his chair and staring straight out in front of him as if someone was looking at him. Subject C (Status: Injured leg): YOU FASCIST PIGS, look at what you have made us do?! Inner me won't *Deep inhale* Won't be so happy about this. *Subject A walks over to Subject B (Status: Critical), Makes a finger gun and puts it on Subject Bs' "forehead" and says... "Bang." *Subject Bs' eyes pop out of his head and all intestines wrench themselves out of his torso.* Subject A: AHA, Finally *kneels down to intestines*, fresh (Demonic tone) MEAT. *Shoves head in Subject Bs' Abdomin and begins to munch. Dr. Kaiser: I think I'm going to be sick. *Pukes* Dr. Weber: Mueller! SUSTAIN SUBJECT A RIGHT NOW! GUARDS WATCH HIS BACK! *Can hear door open and Germans yelling. Subject A stands up with a handful of intestines.* Subject A (Status: Mania): Shush... shush... little piggies. You'll wake up my precious (Demonic tone) little..............BABIES! *Mueller Screams as Subject A Jumps at him and jabs his hand in Mueller's stomach, Pulling out his heart.* Mueller (Status: Extremely Critical): Shut.........The.............Dooooooorr-YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHH *As the door shuts and locks, Subject A pull out Mueller's spine and chucks it across the room. Mueller falls limp onto A.* Subject A (Status: Psychotic Cannibal): Shush shush baby, just lay (demonic tone) DOWN. *Subject A munches on Mueller's face. Slinging pieces of nose, cheek, neck and forehead all over the observation glass.* Subject A: Well, would you look at that. He is all done and I'm still hungry. Points at Weber, Hahn, and Kaiser. YOU WILL FEED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AND GRONGLOWSKEEEEE. Subject A and B pick up the bodies and chuck at glass, shattering it instantly Subject C stands up and yells: THAT'S RIGHT PUNY WORTHLESS MORTALS. WE HAVE A BONE TO PICK! Subject A: "Nice to have you back, Jagelonsky. And might I add your organs made a fine meal." Subject C: "Thanks, and --- oh look, I have no eyes. I'll fix that right up." *He then shoves his index fingers in his eye sockets, new eyes grow in their sockets, his wounds heal* Subject C: "Watch out, I got this door." *He looks at the door and stomps the floor, launching the door back and bashing the two guards who covered Mueller before he died* Guard 1: Please, please, have mercy, We had no idea that this *Static, Screeching noise* Subject B lunges at guard 1, puts his fist in the guards mouth. and pulls out. The guard stares with wide eyes and mouth agape for three seconds, and his pupils dilate. Then all of his organs spew out of his ears, mouth, eye sockets, into the subject's mouth. Then subject A pushes over Guard 2 and stomps the guards head into nothing but a messy puddle with bits of skull and brain. DAY 3 This is weber. This is not a recording, since I ran out of tapes. I'm using a pencil and a notebook. Those monsters killed Kaiser. Not killed, bit off all parts of his body in a mass fury. I'm hiding in a closet for the janitor, who didn't listen to me and walked off, only to find his final resting place would be at the bottom of something's stomach. Christ have mercy on Hahn's soul. He volunteered to find a way to stop these things. The only way I know how to escape is right past the observation chamber. I just want to die. Just die, something please kill me! PLEASE! Huh? Lord, my time has come. My sins are being burned away each second as I wait here in the lab. I can see the monster. Yes, come a little closer. I just was to see what you've grow-- *the rest of the notebook is either bitten off or covered in blood.* March 18, 1976 "And that my son, is what happened when I was a Nazi scientist. Many evil things happened, and many evil things haunt my dreams. Well, I guess you have to go now. Your mom is here. Goodbye, Joey." HAHAHA. Felix Hahn you have outdone yourself. But now you know what must be done. I walk downstairs, the stairs that won't be stairs in about four minutes. In a house that won't be a house in four minutes. (I grab an old grenade I have kept alive for 30 years.) In a basement that won't be a basement in three minutes. I stop at a door covered in chains, pad locks and codes. I unlock all the codes and locks and chains, only to open double doors made out of concrete. I pull the pin. I step in to see my creations. "Hello, my children. Weber. I've seen you've grown a lot the past years." Uou to subject A and B. "And C, I love how you can climb walls and ceilings now. But you must forever remain a secret. For I have planted explosives all over this room. It will all be gone when this grenade goes off. Goodbye, fellas." Category:Dismemberment Category:Science Pastas Category:History Category:Military